Taking Stock

I’ve been thinking a fair amount recently (my dad would say that’s a bad idea) and I’ve decided that this year has been the best year for Sam. It has had its ups and downs but that’s life in general. There are so many things to appreciate about this year and I wanted to share them. I hope no one thinks I’m being a snooty bitch because I actually lead a humble life and am a creature of very simple pleasures. I just want to show that if you put your mind to it and work hard you will most definitely receive the results you deserve. I’ve always known that but this year I’ve put that theory to the test. So many times I’ve felt like just giving up but powering through as it was the right thing to do. That’s what I’ve learnt this year; just keep swimming.

Let’s start with school. On the academics side it’s great. I’ve raised my aggregate by 8% and it’s my highest aggregate of the high school years(I’m in grade 10). It makes me happy to think that with a bit more effort and a lot of studying anyone can better their marks and get their parents off their backs. In grade eight studying wasn’t even a thing. I just couldn’t give a shit and it boggles me how I even passed. I’m happy that my ethics have changed so much, it shows that I’ve grown up and matured. On the social side things aren’t as great, friendships have severed a bit and I’ve also had to confront people for the way they treat me. There’s a girl who I let take a lot of advantage of me and I ended up giving her a mouthful in front of quite a few people after an exam. It isn’t like me to explode like that and I ended up phoning her feeling very bad and repeating just about everything I said at least three times. Not great. There are also people that I’ve distanced myself from. I don’t want to get into this too much because people might read this and get hurt by my blatant honesty. I’ve made sure to stand up for myself on the social and in person.

I’ve always struggled with my weight. FACT. I’ve always looked at myself in the mirror and thought of myself as a fat ass. The truth is I’ve never been fat. When I was 13 I was 48 kilograms and I remember my English teacher always telling me that I was much too thin. I was as I had thought fat. I thought I was because the media made me believe I was and so did the people I supposedly called friends. It hurts to think that I had to conform to other peoples standards. Right now I weigh somewhere in the sixties. I have huge thighs and good sized boobs, sometimes I wish they were as big as some of the girls I know, but that’s my body. I have to love it for what it is. In September I did a diet and it was horrible. You eat the same thing for breakfast every day and I tell you I will never look at a boiled egg the same way for a long time. I did lose weight but surprise surprise I put it all back on again when I got to eat the good stuff again. I know that it was wrong to do that, I should have paced myself and carried on eating properly but I couldn’t help myself.

Also, I want to introduce you guys to my life. You guys might know about all my ethics and personal thoughts on topics like weight, books, confidence etc but you don’t know about me. Someone once said in the comments that although I divulge a lot about myself I never really show how I actually live my life. I don’t really show personal pictures and I have no idea why. I dream of doing a night time routine in pictures showing my candles all lit up and beautifully displayed in my bedroom with my dogs curled up on the couch next to me. I want you guys to feel like you know me. Almost like I’m an internet friend that you always get a nice reply from when you comment with something warm and friendly. I want to be someone you can turn to when you are alone and have no one or when you’re stuck in a tight space and have no idea which way to move.

So speaking of getting to know me better I also want you to meet my dad.

My legs are such a beautiful caramel in this picture. This is evidence of what good a South African December can do for the soul.

My dad is my rock. I love this man so very much and we’ve stuck it out together for 16 years. 16 years that have been both very easy and hard. Sometimes it’s not as easy to accept a flaw in a parent than it is in a friend. For years you look at your mom or dad and see someone that is completely perfect in every single way, but at some point in time you grow up and start to realize that they too have problems and make mistakes. I spent this year accepting that and trying to be helpful. Of course it’s hard to make a conscious effort when you’re mad about something that they did but I’ve tried my hardest.

I don’t know how to end this off, there are so many things I would like to tell you guys about, but they are far too personal. Maybe one day I can tell you crazy stories about experiences that I have had or lessons I have learnt. Have a good 2017 guys, I'm sure you deserve it.

Sam xx